Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs, Slice-of-Life

The Changing Face of Family, Of Loss, and Recent News…

1 Comment
Victoria, Sachiko, Kiyomi, Toshiro (last days together)

Valentines Day marked our last days with AKC Jade Mist Kiyomi (“Kiyomi”).  She passed just a week or so later.  For details on what happened, feel free to read Together as Family (Valentine’s Day 2023) and Breaking Hearts. It still hurts me too much to repeat it or discuss it just yet.

AKC JADE MIST KIYOMI (“Kiyomi”) was born May 5th, 2009, to Carol Howell and Heidi Jacobsen of Jade Mist Shetland Sheepdogs in Davidsonville, MD.  Kiyomi died on February 24th, 2023, at 9:15 AM, held and comforted by Victoria and Ken.

Vicky and I planned so much to do this Lent as both our personal goals and self-improvement.  Both of us had our plans blown apart by the loss of Kiyomi just shy of her 14th birthday.  Kiyomi would have celebrated her 14th birthday this May on May fifth.  We always called her our “Cinco de Mayo” dog.  She truly was like a daughter to us, and we miss her dearly.

In other news, I thought about letting my domain expire and giving up on both this server and website.  I’m glad that I didn’t, but I was frustrated and depressed.  I really had no interest in maintaining it or updating it.  Between the blog and the wiki, it seems to do fairly well, with as many as 1200-1300 visitors each month.   As our lives pick up again, carry on, and we have more news/events/tech to share, I’ll start posting more content again.

Working as a DevOps Engineer as my company grows and our team expands, staying active with my Amateur Radio license (K3KBF), reading, and gaming on the Steam Deck have taken most of my time and interest these last few months when not enjoying time together with family.  I’ll have more news about Amateur Radio, the Steam Deck, SteamOS, the GPD Win 4 as a likely successor to the first-generation Valve Steam Deck, and other tech in coming posts.

This is basically just a “hey there, I’m still here, still alive” post.  Hopefully, I’ll post something more substantive soon.

I’m still here… and, hopefully, you are too?

Here’s a quick “photo dump” of our recent events and news:

 

 

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

Together as Family (Valentine’s Day 2023) and Breaking Hearts

Valentine’s Day 2023 with Sachiko, Kiyomi, and Toshiro

Valentine’s Day 2023 together as Family (Victoria, Ken, Kiyomi, Toshiro, and Sachiko)

Our oldest Sheltie (Kiyomi) suffered a severe seizure (unresponsive for several hours afterwards, vet tells us likely due to brain tumor/damage) last week.  She’s still with us, but she’s on Prednisone, Gabapentin, Antibiotics, and Anti-Seizure meds.  At 14yo, we know our time with her is nearly at an end.  We’re trying to make the most of our time together.  It’s amazing how quickly time with our beloved pets goes by?

We were able to take better pictures of our Shelties together and together as a family this evening.

With love from our little family to yours… Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

Our Hearts Are Breaking…

A Temporary Reprieve and Last Time Together as Family.

Kiyomi and Toshiro (2020)

Since I don’t feel like re-typing or retelling the events of the past week, this is what I told my manager and co-workers:

You know that Vicky and I weren’t able to have children, despite trying for years and then getting medical assistance (IUI/IVF).  I finally convinced Vicky into our getting dogs about 14 years ago.  We got Kiyomi the same month that Vicky’s mom died, and she quickly warmed up to becoming a “mom” for Kiyomi.  Long story short, Kiyomi’s been like a daughter to us.

While working on my notification script on Wednesday morning, Kiyomi was asleep on my food and began spasming.  At nearly 14yo, I thought she just woke up and was trying to right herself.  She immediately urinated, pooped, vomited, and began having violent spasms.  It was a seizure.  She bit my leg and scratched me as I tried to pick her up.  When I swaddled her in a blanket and tried to constrain her seizure, she let loose this horrible scream.  I’ve never heard a dog scream before, but it made my skin crawl and my heart ache.  There was nothing I could do for her.  It lasted for a solid 20 minutes while I was trying to call Vicky and to get Kiyomi over to the vet.

Once at the vet, Kiyomi was unresponsive.  The vet told us that 20-minute seizures usually result in brain damage or death.  Vicky and I had to make the terrible decision.  We signed the paperwork and as the vet was preparing the injection to put Kiyomi to sleep, Kiyomi raised her head and looked at Vicky.  Vicky asked for a moment, put Kiyomi on the floor, she stumbled and staggered, but walked around and followed Vicky as she called or walked around the room.

So, we asked for more time, but the vet said that Kiyomi might only have days or maybe weeks, but that she won’t be the same after such a seizure.  He told us to take care of her, enjoy our time, but prepare ourselves.  He sent us home with steroids (Prednisone), anti-seizure medications, and Diazepam injections (in the event she has another seizure).  He warned us that she may very likely have a second severe seizure, and told us to be thankful but to enjoy our last time together

Sorry for the “drop everything and run”, but it was a horrific experience.  When people have children, pets take on a lesser meaning.  Since Vicky and I don’t, and Kiyomi was our first dog together when we couldn’t have children, she’s been like a daughter to us.  Between the shrieking seizure and the experience, …well, it was rough.  Going to be a few days before I get “dog screams” out of my head.

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

To Be Real — What It Means To Be Loved

Victoria and Kiyomi

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ’You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

Family, Slice-of-Life

Owning Your Actions, Owning Your Past

Who you were, who you are, who you become (the vicious cycle)

Either you own your actions… or you don’t.

Either the past matters… or it doesn’t.

If your thoughts, words, and actions mean anything… anything at all… then they don’t become meaningless just because they happened yesterday rather than today. You own them. They are you.

If you believe the past is the past, then I can punch you in the face, and when you get appropriately mad, I can shrug and ask you “what does it matter? that was all in the past!”

At 50yo, I’m still trying to run away from my past. I’m not so sure it’s working. I woke up having the same nightmare that I had as a teenager.

At some point, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, declare your values, and push on. No one ever said breaking the cycle was easy.

As an Aside, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Social Commentary/Observation

Keep Trying, or Don’t, but All Actions (including Inaction) have Consequences

Ursula K. Le Guin in her “elder years” (still lively, vibrant, intellectually sharp)

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

…

I knew that several of our family and friends were heading to divorce a year or few before they knew themselves. I think a failing relationship is obvious to anyone, but we ignore the signs or fool ourselves into thinking “everything is fine, they will always be there for me.”

Disney lied. Disney sold several generations that love is easily won, and once won, the couple lives happily ever after. The End.

“Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong.”

Relationships take time and effort to build.

Relationships must be maintained for you to trust, respect, and love one another.

“Happily ever after” only happens if you both work at it to make it happen, otherwise it’s your happiness, his, or neither’s happiness.

Any time I hear about another’s divorce, especially after decades of marriage, I always feel terrible. When one faults the other, I know better, it took two people to create a relationship, and it takes the failure of two people to dissolve one.

Ursula K. Le Guin was right. The truth about love is as plain as the nose on your face. Love is not a static object you attain and you possess for the rest of your life. Love is an effort that you made yesterday, you make again today, and you’ll make again tomorrow.

I don’t know about your relationship, but I’ll be honest about mine. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes Vicky and I are intensely in love and always there for each other. Sometimes Vicky and I are self-absorbed in whatever it is we’re doing and we take the other for granted. We just sort of assume that everything is alright and everything will still be alright in the morning.

When you stop caring for each other, and not some mythical love-caring but caring in the most basic sense of the word, you stop loving each other and your relationship begins that slow (or fast) decline into dissolution.

Don’t stop caring.

Don’t stop communicating.

Even if it hurts. (“That’s called effort, hon. Trying hurts.”)

And if you’re bitching about your spouse on Facebook where you think they don’t read it (which several of my friends do), ask yourself is that love? Would it be cool if your spouse did the same? So if you do and they do, does that make it acceptable? Why the hell do you bother staying together if you badmouth each other?

So, keep trying… or don’t, but likewise don’t be surprised when your relationships fall apart, and you find yourself alone.

…

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

Home/Life, Social Commentary/Observation

Maybe I Should Have Read the User Guide First

What is Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) and how does it work?

I really should have read the User Guide BEFORE taking a photo walk today.

Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) is your friend and a necessity for improved photography.

Dual Pixel Autofocus: What is it and what cameras have it? – Improve Photography

On these new Canon CMOS imaging sensors, each pixel has two photo diodes which can operate separately or together. Each diode has a separate lens over it.

When light goes through those lenses and hits the diodes, the processor analyzes each diode’s signal for focus and, once focus is achieved, the signals are then combined to record the image.

Each pixel on the sensor, then, has a dual role.

That dual role is what makes DPAF sensors different.

In other kinds of imaging sensors, some of the pixels are used for focus and the rest record the image, but none does both.
In Canon imaging sensors, 80% of the pixels (horizontally and vertically) play that dual role.

The sensor on the EOS 5D Mark IV, for instance, is 6720 x 4480 pixels. At 80% coverage (5376 x 3584) more than 19 million pixels have DPAF.

By comparison, the Sony a7R iii sensor is 7952 x 5304 pixels and has 399 phase detection auto focus points.

While mirrorless cameras have been using phase detection auto focus in imaging sensors for some time, DSLRs typically use a separate phase detection auto focus sensor for focusing while the mirror is down and the viewfinder in use, and switch to contrast detection auto focus on the actual imaging sensor when the mirror is up and you’re using Live View or recording a video.

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

“Re-learning” the Fundamentals of Photography

DAY ONE — A RETURN TO FUNDAMENTALS

Practicing with the new Canon… which isn’t easy when Sachiko was hyper and desperately wanted to run and play.

I’m trying to ween myself off AUTO and AE, return to the basics of Matrix vs Spot, practice and fine-tune my Focus, Shutter Speed, and Exposure.

I’ll need to take more “photo walks” at various times of day under different lighting conditions to practice how to quickly assess and set the camera. AUTO and AE are nice, but I know I can do far more and far better with practice.

Hopefully, they’ll only get better, but I seriously need to “read the book” and practice photography a LOT more.

Years of smartphone photography have given me a few bad habits I need to break. You can do so much more with a “real” camera, but it takes investing a little more time and talent than having the smartphone quickly do it for you.

Much like basic math or wayfinding. Calculators and GPS have rotted my ability to do arithmetic quickly or orienteering using a map and compass. 😆

POST SCRIPT:

What is Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) and how does it work?
Social Commentary/Observation, Social Media

Watching the World Burn (“Elon Musk’s Twitter”)

Boring Company Flamethrowers (real product by Elon Musk for Boring Company followers)

If you followed me or knew me on that bird account, I’m going to “Ghost”  it (not “Nuke” it) in the coming week.

Warning: do NOT nuke your Twitter account

I want to see Counter.Social succeed, so I’ll give one-time donations when I can, and pay monthly to support it as a Pro account.

Far more meaningful than $8/mo to finance Musk’s madness.

Feel free to friend or follow at
🦊  https://counter.social/@tayledras
✌️  https://tayledras.com
🧁  https://miruku.cafe/@tayledras
🐘  https://mastodon.online/@tayledras
📷  https://www.flickr.com/photos/vickyken/albums

https://counter.social/@tayledras
#kindness
Everyday Life, Family, Holidays

Being Social and Having a Life while Immunocompromised?

CLEANING HOUSE while Sachiko watches and listens

Victoria and I are talking about getting out more, socializing more, and hosting family/friends again. In the coming weeks, we’re hoping to travel (day trips), visit close friends, and host family at our house for Thanksgiving.

So, the questions become how to take reasonable precautions, how to balance health vs acceptable risks, and how to have a life again while realizing if I do get sick, it will mean a week in the hospital during Christmas and New Year’s.

To be completely honest, I’m a little burnt out on this whole repeated and lengthy stay in the hospital each year. If I can manage to make it through the holidays and into the new year without a hospital stay, it will be the FIRST in over four years.

So — how to be careful, take precautions, acceptable risk, have a life, but realize it’s going to be rough and unpleasant if I do get sick.

 

Gaming, Slice-of-Life, Social Commentary/Observation, Social Media

Modern Social Phenomena? NEET vs Hikikomori

“Recovery of an MMO Junkie”, Morioka Moriko, NEET

Unlike the hikikomori, a NEET can enjoy a social life, like going out often and visiting their friends. Though in certain cases, a NEET can also be considered a hikikomori.

A hikikomori is a social recluse–someone who doesn’t willingly venture outside the comfort of their home.

NEET, an acronym for “Not in Education, Employment, or Training”, refers to a person who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training.

NIH argues this is a cultural phenomenon specific to Japan:

I’d disagree. I think social withdrawal and interaction solely through gaming or the internet is also common in the United States and Europe as well as Asia.

From the Article:

A form of severe social withdrawal, called hikikomori, has been frequently described in Japan and is characterized by adolescents and young adults who become recluses in their parents’ homes, unable to work or go to school for months or years. The aim of this study was to review the evidence for hikikomori as a new psychiatric disorder. Electronic and manual literatures searches were used to gather information on social withdrawal and hikikomori, including studies examining case definitions, epidemiology, and diagnosis. A number of recent empiric studies have emerged from Japan. The majority of such cases of hikikomori are classifiable as a variety of existing DSM-IV-TR (or ICD-10) psychiatric disorders. However, a notable subset of cases with substantial psychopathology do not meet criteria for any existing psychiatric disorder. We suggest hikikomori may be considered a culture-bound syndrome and merits further international research into whether it meets accepted criteria as a new psychiatric disorder. Research diagnostic criteria for the condition are proposed.

I need to continue watching “Uncle from Another World” (Netflix), and add “Recovery of an MMO Junkie” to our Crunchyroll queue.

 

Slice-of-Life, Social Commentary/Observation, Social Media

“Fixing Social Media” (Rewarding Vice and Virtue)

Vice and Virtue in Social Media (Northern Public Radio)

 

STUX:
It’s kinda crazy to see how big social media platforms just ignore their responsibility in managing content posted by their users 🫢

It feels like it’s more about the discussion of what should be a bar or not instead of actually acting or being clear.

Platforms like Gab and Parler are even worse since they just hold their hands up and push the responsibility to the users. They only remove stuff when it’s in their own face, they don’t care about others.

I want to do it differently. Our rules are clear, and we don’t care about being the biggest platform in the world. We just want a nice community without harassing, spam, and bullying.

We handle a simple general ‘rule’:

Respect is more important than saying whatever you want. Care for each other. 💕

KEN:
There’s a number of articles about how being a Facebook Moderator is a soul-sucking job that damages your mental health and results in trauma to your psyche.

Most social media platforms reward views, clicks, and time spent reading/interacting.

Kind and considerate posts don’t attract nearly the attention as divisive or controversial topics. Compassionate comments aren’t nearly as common as enraged ones.

It’s truly a social issue. We need to acknowledge, reward, and recognize kindness rather than rage. We need to encourage compromise rather than controversy.

None of these things have social value in social media. While cute pictures make for good memes, the real time and interaction is spent in rage-posting and comments.

I don’t know how to fix that, but we need to stop rewarding it.

Cancer, Favorite Quotes

Dealing with Pain

Carson Daly (NBC / Getty Images)

❝ You were dealing with pain, but people didn’t realize it.

So many of us have to deal with it. When you’re in pain, you’re just looking to feel good. It changes your relationship with food, and drink, and your life. So then when they fix the pain, you’re left with other complex areas of your life that you need to deal with and realign relationships with.

When I say I’m getting better, I’m getting better in a multitude of ways, which is great… but you have to keep trying. ❞

— Carson Daly, Today (NBC, Tues 18-Oct-2022)
re: Life after Spinal Surgery and Recovery

Carson Daly had a great segment on the Today show (NBC) this morning.

I really appreciate his answers and his directness. He did address that many people are in pain, particularly after surgery, illness, or the ravages of age. Many of us are trying to deal with pain, but we’re not always aware of the pain of others.

I especially appreciate how he said that pain changes the nature of our relationships with food, drink, exercise, and our lifestyles. As we recover from the immediate issues and the pain, we need to recognize and realign how our lives have changed.

Reference:

As an Aside, Brain Droppings

the lost kitty

Trying to understand others, to understand myself, and my place in the world.

Better friends than me have tried, but the last friend who did took his own life.

It’s not death that scares me, but the possibility that I might actually figure something worthwhile out.  I don’t want to deny myself that.  I want to know how the story ends.

As an Aside, Brain Droppings

Why do I keep “tilting at windmills”? Why do I care?

1 Comment
“Before the Chalkboard”

“Why do you keep trying to help people?”

“Why do you care what others think?”

“Why do you keep trying to understand others?”

These are three questions that keep coming up this week in multiple settings.

My DevOps team and management seems actively self-destructive and “anti-pattern” when it comes to effective DevOps management. Like most cycles of self-destruction, we know we have issues, but unable to self-correct or break out of the vicious cycle.

In several personal circles, I open myself up and allow myself to be commented on or ridiculed. There’s an easy answer, “Don’t.” But I still put myself on display or give a shit.

Case in point:

I post a picture of my home office. The responses were:
1) “that’s cool, Ken.”
2) “that’s a neat monitor.”
3) “you need more monitors, Ken, maybe close yourself off from the world?”
4) “too much stuff”

All four are correct. All four were comments in reply. One of them came from a family member who spent the latter half of her life enjoying and getting the better things but is still passing judgment on me for mine.

I thought long and hard about nuking all of my social media accounts and web presence this week, for multiple reasons. I looked at the histories and answers people have given on each.

I met several dozen very interesting people on Facebook that I genuinely care about and would like to stay in touch with.

I have a dozen people on Twitter that I am genuinely interested in, and would like to stay in touch with. Oddly, the very person who commented “too much stuff” contributes absolutely nothing to Twitter and yet comments on others’.

I met other cancer survivors, radio technicians, DevOps Engineers, fellow geeks, anime fanatics, and some very interesting people through my blog.

So, the opinions and interests of a couple dozen very cool people matter more to me than the negative opinions, gripes, and judgements of a handful of people who attempt to exert some force on my life.

I deny you that right.

Your opinion means nothing if you pass judgment on me. You stopped having value when you stopped contributing constructive criticism or a modicum of praise.

Continued thoughts:

I really do need to find other hobbies and other outlets. The more I listen to amateur radio, the more I hear the same as what I hear on social media:

the desire to hear others,

the desire to be heard.

Whether social media, IRC, BBSes, blogs, amateur radio, or screaming at the universe, it’s all a clamor of voices where people seek solace, comfort, advice, and shared communal experience.

It begins by seeking the humanity of others.

It ends with us tearing each other down or passing judgment on others because their interests don’t align with ours.

As an Aside

As an aside, a thesis or pondering on who we become as adults…

2 Comments
Developmental Psychology

While I’ve taken undergrad courses in Psychology and Sociology, it wasn’t my major.  My degree and certifications are in Computer Science.  I’m probably going to return to school for my Masters in Information Science.  Returning to school for a Psychology or Sociology degree has been on my mind throughout much of my adult life, I just can’t figure out how to integrate it into my current career.

Something that puzzles me repeatedly is Developmental Psychology as it applied to Adulthood.  There are two competing laymen/social theories:

  1. that a troubled childhood results in a troubled adult,
  2. and the “American-Puritanical” response of “I had terrible parents too, and look how I turned out!”

I’ve discussed my ideas a few times with friends and psychologists alike, but I can’t wrap my mind around it just yet:

At what age do we stop developing as “adult human beings?”  At what age are our personas defined, and are they immutable or do they evolve as we age?

Talking with others, I do believe Wisdom and Experience accrue with age.  If we’re lucky, if we’re thoughtful, if we’re intelligent, if we’re introspective, then Wisdom comes as we learn from and integrate Experience into valuable life lessons as we mature as adult human beings.

Our personas, however?  I’m not so sure.  I wonder if our passion, our emotions, our character, our extraversion, or introversion are all formed at childhood and fully defined at the onset of adulthood.

I used myself as an example, and it was asked if I became less selfish and less independent with time.  And yes, knowing my wife for 24 years and being married for 22 of those years taught me the value, love, and compassion of family.  I learned to think outside myself, to care for the well-being of others, to cherish our time together, and to grow together rather than apart as individuals.

But I asked friends again if they are haunted by nightmares of their childhood just as I am.  I asked if I was broken for still have dreams of being neglected, forgotten, or discarded by my own family of birth and blood.  I was told by several people, “no, I have those same dreams, and I’m older than you are.  But they’re just dreams, and family is what you make of it.”

I still wonder if “the sins of the father become the sins of the son”, whether broken children become broken adults, and the cycle repeats itself?

 

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development

I thought I remembered Erickson from when Vicky was working on her Masters in Nursing Education. Psychological Development was one of her requirements. I remember Kohlberg (Stages of Moral Development), but I don’t remember Erickson.

Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development seem to better address what I’m trying to figure out.


Something else that’s a corollary and also bothering me is whether we’re raising successively weaker generations of Americans?

Nothing happens in a vacuum. You can argue that some generations are more “fragile” in others in how poorly they accept loss, how unable to cope with challenges they are. I’d agree with you that Americans probably are weaker for being unable to accept or cope with challenges, inequality, or loss.

But nothing happens in a vacuum. Did recent generations oscillate so rapidly, with each generation rebelling against its predecessors that the result was a weakening of the human spirit?

Cancer, Health

PET/CT SCAN RESULTS (Thu 22-Sep-2022)

3 Comments
PET/CT SCANNER (Stock Art)

1) Congratulations! You remain in remission from Mantle Cell Lymphoma.

There is no evidence of recurrent hypermetabolic or structural evidence of high grade lymphoma. Specifically, no abnormal uptake in normal-sized lymph nodes, pathologic lymphadenopathy by size criteria, hypermetabolic focal splenic lesions, splenic uptake above background or suspicious FDG avid osseous lesions.

2) Congratulations, you have splenomegaly!

Current splenic measurements are 16 x 8.5 cm in craniocaudal by transverse dimensions, similar to prior.

3) Congratulations, you have a kidney stone in your left kidney!

Possible layering calyceal stones in the left greater than right kidneys. No hydronephrosis.

4) Congratulations, you have age-appropriate degenerative changes in the spine.

Cancer, Family, Health

Faith Endures even when Social Peers do not

These past four years have been indescribable.  I could write things that happened, that I endured, that are true, and yet most people would not listen and would not understand.  Even in hindsight, it’s hard for me to grasp and completely understand all that I have been through.  It’s been over 3 years with 4 chemo protocols, low-dose whole-body radiation, targeted high-dose radiation, an allogeneic bone marrow transplant, and stem cell therapy.

It’s become “en vogue” to crap on people of faith, particularly Christianity.  I completely understand why people do, and it’s not as if Christianity has an immaculate history or social standing to preach from.

What puzzles me is people’s hypocrisy, since they’ll respect Islam, Wicca, Paganism, Buddhism, Taoism, other religions, and ideologies but reserve their bile and ire for Catholicism or Christianity.  I don’t see their logic or beliefs as any more superior or worthy of respect when they’re foaming at the mouth about one faith while adhering to another.  They appear as hypocritical and irrational as the people they mock.

But what do I know?

These last few years have truly been a trial.  My own flesh-and-blood family by birth was there for none of it.  Neither my mother nor my brothers visited, sent anything, said anything, or donated bone marrow for my health and my survival.  It was the generous gift of an anonymous donor that I am alive today.  It was the care, love, and compassion of Vicky’s family and our mutual friends that saw me through.

And it was faith.  My faithful friends will nod and agree.  My cynical, atheistic, or “logical/rational” friends will shake their heads and credit everything from medical science alone to chance and happenstance.

But there were just too many odd and miraculous things these past few years.  From the generous support of my co-workers going above and beyond to make it possible for me to spend nearly a year in several hospital (Virginia Hospital Center, Johns Hopkins, Seattle Cancer Care Alliance) to Vicky’s family supporting us when we needed to travel for my stem cell therapy to several “odd” (miraculous) things happening when both the National Institutes of Health (NIH) told me I had months to live and that I should put my affairs in order.

And again, lightning out of the blue?

Something happened again yesterday.  I’m not going to say what or why.  It’s not for anyone to know other than Vicky and I.  Should cancer (or anything else) eventually claim me, perhaps it can be talked about over my funeral or as an odd aside after the fact?

Something which had no right happening and was completely unexpected happened just the same.  Just a little reminder of all that we’ve been through together as a little family (Vicky and I) and that perhaps there is something greater than ourselves seeing to our survival?

I am still here even when others told me that I would not.

My bone marrow transplant may or may not have been ideal.  Over three years of chemo and radiation may have taken its toll on my health and my bone marrow graft, but despite my immunocompromised health, I am able to live, to survive, to enjoy time together with my family, and to be thankful for all that we have together and all that we’ve been blessed with.

And I continue to see unexpected blessings, things that cannot or should not be, but nevertheless are.  Some may believe me, some may think I’m irrational or delusional, but it won’t stop me from being thankful, from being grateful, and for having faith.

Together in Faith and Endurance as a patient at Johns Hopkins (Baltimore, MD)

Celebrating Mass, Giving Thanks, Praying for Strength to Endure…

Thoughts and Ramblings of Ken Foreman

Exit mobile version
%%footer%%