At this point, I’ve now lost track of how many full-body PET/CT scans have been performed on me since I was diagnosed with cancer. I’m almost certain that this will be my fifth time through the donut for a low-resolution and high-resolution pass, but it might be my sixth.
I am TIRED of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed. My soul cannot take any more raising of hopes only to have them dashed. With each time, Vicky cries when we’re told the news, and I try to remain stoic and to “be of good cheer.”
On Monday, I will AGAIN go through the donut for an hour or two as they scan from the base of my skull to my thighs to check for the metabolic signatures of cancerous tumors compared to my fasting basal metabolism of a body denied food, sugar, caffeine, or exercise.
No matter what I am told next week, I am trying to steel myself to the news. I would love to be told glorious news, but I won’t allow myself to falter at terrible news. The old tripe of having faith is getting long in the tooth now… faith in God hasn’t stopped the oncologists from telling me I have tumors for the past four PET/CT scans.
I am trying… but my soul is wearing down with each test and each delivery of the results.
Ken, I can so identify with that which you are currently facing.
While my path has not been as difficult and daunting as yours appears to be, we are, together, sherpas balancing and carrying some shouldered load for some force we can not immediately understand or deal with.
There is nothing Newtonian about cancer, it seems. While other human ailments avail themselves to ‘put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning’ palliatives, cancer is a cross between Batman’s Joker and unintended Bayesian outcomes.
For me, cancer has been a mostly quantum experience where causes and effects seem disjointed. Oncos came in for staging meetings excitedly describing a perfect outcome only to later suggest that realities prevail and that I should prepare myself for same. That really didn’t feel Bayesian to me at all.
Regardless of these well-intentioned folks who treat us, you and I are left, on our own, to shoulder that burden on this climb to that peak where things will be fine.
I am with you, brother. Let’s do it.