Category Archives: Friends & Co-Workers

Brain Droppings, Friends & Co-Workers

Onwards, Ever Onwards, Iceberg Be Damned

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Coping with Frustration, Depression, and Self-Loathing

If I am perceived as negative, it is because I care.

What you perceive as negativity is the result of my thorough analysis, rational self-discourse and research, and frustration that I have the awareness and intellect to see something coming but not the ability to correct or resolve it within my ability to change it.

If I were truly negative, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t give a shit about your opinion, your problems, your issues, your pain, your suffering, or concern myself with your well-being.

If I am negative, it is because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t do anything, and I would willingly watch as people walked into their own self-harm or self-issues. I am passionate because I DO care. I am negative because we keep making the same mistakes, learning from none of them, and having a near-infinite churn of the same self-harming mistakes.

It hurts me.

It pains me.

I am just now learning what took a lifetime for Benjamin Balogh and Brad Lafferty to understand and try to communicate to both me and others in their lives. Having the intellect and foresight to see a disaster coming but not the ability to self-correct or avoid it results in negativity, depression, self-loathing, or the loathing of others.

I don’t want to loathe others for being too friggin’ stupid to avoid driving their ship into an effing iceberg. At least let me get off the ship before you crash it with me in it?

As an Aside, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Social Commentary/Observation

Keep Trying, or Don’t, but All Actions (including Inaction) have Consequences

Ursula K. Le Guin in her “elder years” (still lively, vibrant, intellectually sharp)

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

…

I knew that several of our family and friends were heading to divorce a year or few before they knew themselves. I think a failing relationship is obvious to anyone, but we ignore the signs or fool ourselves into thinking “everything is fine, they will always be there for me.”

Disney lied. Disney sold several generations that love is easily won, and once won, the couple lives happily ever after. The End.

“Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong.”

Relationships take time and effort to build.

Relationships must be maintained for you to trust, respect, and love one another.

“Happily ever after” only happens if you both work at it to make it happen, otherwise it’s your happiness, his, or neither’s happiness.

Any time I hear about another’s divorce, especially after decades of marriage, I always feel terrible. When one faults the other, I know better, it took two people to create a relationship, and it takes the failure of two people to dissolve one.

Ursula K. Le Guin was right. The truth about love is as plain as the nose on your face. Love is not a static object you attain and you possess for the rest of your life. Love is an effort that you made yesterday, you make again today, and you’ll make again tomorrow.

I don’t know about your relationship, but I’ll be honest about mine. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes Vicky and I are intensely in love and always there for each other. Sometimes Vicky and I are self-absorbed in whatever it is we’re doing and we take the other for granted. We just sort of assume that everything is alright and everything will still be alright in the morning.

When you stop caring for each other, and not some mythical love-caring but caring in the most basic sense of the word, you stop loving each other and your relationship begins that slow (or fast) decline into dissolution.

Don’t stop caring.

Don’t stop communicating.

Even if it hurts. (“That’s called effort, hon. Trying hurts.”)

And if you’re bitching about your spouse on Facebook where you think they don’t read it (which several of my friends do), ask yourself is that love? Would it be cool if your spouse did the same? So if you do and they do, does that make it acceptable? Why the hell do you bother staying together if you badmouth each other?

So, keep trying… or don’t, but likewise don’t be surprised when your relationships fall apart, and you find yourself alone.

…

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

As an Aside, Friends & Co-Workers, Holidays

Causing a Minor “International Incident”

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Important Points to Consider in International Shipping

Vicky and I have shipped packages to the Philippines, Singapore, China, Japan, Canada, and Europe but this was the first time I got a dozen phone calls and emails from US Customs and Canadian Customs.

I ran out of packing tape so I used metallic duct tape to close and seal the gift package after bubble wrap and boxing it. The use of metallic duct tape immediately set off red flags and warnings by international customs.

In case you’re curious, it’s $80-$150 USD in fines for improper packaging if you’re ever so foolish. I had to call each customs inspector, sign forms, and give each a written statement of the package contents, packing technique, shipper (us), recipient (a friend), purchase history and taxes paid.

In the end, I was able to apologize and get the fines waived. Both nations’ Customs inspectors were very kind when I was apologetic, signed their forms, and gave them written statements.

But SERIOUSLY, NEVER use duct tape in shipping packages! 😝☝️

Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

In Memory of Carol G. Howell of Jade Mist Shelties

Carol Howell at the 10th Anniversary of the Jade Mist Jamboree

Carol G. Howell, born Carol Adelle Gilbert, died of cancer on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021.  Carol was born in Sacramento, California to Erwin A. and Hester Virginia (Almond) Gilbert on September 18, 1941.

Carol met the love of her life, Keith Burroughs Howell, while attending University of California – Davis.  They were married August 17, 1963.  They moved to Carmel, California after graduation where Keith practiced as a veterinarian in an animal hospital.  Keith later transferred to Maryland where Keith worked for the state of Maryland.  They resided in Davidsonville, Maryland.  There Keith and Carol bred and exhibited Shetland Sheepdogs under the kennel name, Jade Mist Shelties.  Keith also showed horned Hereford cows.

Carol’s first sheltie was bred by a classmate of Keith’s.  His name was “Robbie”.  He wasn’t a conformation dog, but he did excel in Obedience during his short three years of life.  Carol and Keith attended many dogs shows and purchased many dogs from smaller unknown kennels.  None turned out to be a show dog.  They were finally offered a puppy by the best known breeder in California, Valerie Daniels of Dan-Dee Shelties.  They named the puppy Dan-Dee Study in Scarlet, “Susie.”  Just a few months later, Valerie offered Carol and Keith Susie’s dam, “Petite.”  Petite was Carol’s first champion in 1967, the start of many champions.  Susie became the foundation for Carol’s breeding program.

Carol’s heart dog was the one she had when Keith died of cancer in 1991, “Dillon”, otherwise known as CH Jade Mist Beyond Tradition ROM.  He was the sire of 56 champions.  Carol also had other dogs that are on the ROM list: CH Jade Mist Memorandum,  CH Ilemist As You Like It, Regalia Geneagle Keepsake, and Jade Mist New Sun Rising.  ROM means that the dog had to sire 10 or more champions or if a female, then 5 or more champions.

Carol’s most lasting influence is all the dogs she provided to people as their companions.  There was a Jamboree held for ten years where people that have Jade Mist puppies gather together, let their puppies play, their owners socialize, and they had food, prizes, and games.  Carol often attended this jamboree, which was often held near her home in Davidsonville, MD.

Carol was also willing to help many new people break into shelties and mentored several people.  She often sold some of her best to them to help them start their kennels.  Many of the current kennels and breeders of today have Jade Mist shelties in their pedigrees.

Carol is survived by her sister, Nancy E Postlethwaite, nieces Joan and Amy, and nephew Ron.  She was predeceased by her parents, her husband Keith in 1991, her brother, David in 2012, and a nephew Brian. She was greeted at the rainbow bridge by the hundreds of shelties that she has bred or as been as “Grandma Carol.”  She is missed by her many friends and those she has mentored.

Sources:

(1) Facebook, written by Patti O’Dell in memory of Carol Howell

(2) Flickr, photographed by Ken Foreman, during the 10th Anniversary of the Jade Mist Jamboree

Friends & Co-Workers, Home Office, Home/Life

Finally, the Home Office I Always Wanted!

My Home Office

My Home Office

My Home Office

My Home Office

After the past two months of ordering hardware and waiting for equipment to arrive, I was finally able to build out and configure my home office to be the workspace I always wanted!

My workstation is now a liquid-cooled 4.7Ghz AMD Ryzen 9 with 16-cores (32-processors/threads) and a Nvidia GeForce RTX 3080 graphics card.  It has a 2TB SSD for the Windows drive and a 12TB HDD for applications, games, and data.  Our Network Attached Storage (NAS) is now a 48TB RAID configured as 4x12TB in a RAID-10 configuration giving me 24TB of addressable space with 4x Read and 2x Write.  Using a bonded NIC over two CAT-6 ethernet cables, throughput has been fantastic.  I use it to back up everything in the house as well as hosting Applications, Movies, Music, and Data.  For latency-sensitive applications and games, I still run them locally on my gaming rig/workstation rather than from the NAS.

The display is 49″ 5K (5120×1440) DQHD monitor with HDR10 and 120Hz refresh rate.  All of my apps and games have been running at 96-120fps now! My older HDMI and USB-C cables weren’t rated and certified beyond 4K/60fps, so I upgraded to USB 3.2 and DisplayPort 1.4 to drive the monitor at 8K/120fps.  I never realized that cable certifications could make such a difference, but the resolution and performance has been obvious!

So, while Vicky has been enjoying her new home office, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying mine as well!  I can finally develop for and host all the Docker, Kubernetes, Containers, and VMs I need for my job during the day while also do some serious gaming on the nights and weekends.

As much as I enjoy the recent news about the PlayStation 5 and the Xbox One Series X, I’m really in no hurry to upgrade from my PlayStation 4 Pro and my Xbox One X right now.  With the new gaming rig and RTX 3080, my home gaming rig runs at much higher resolutions, frame rates, and detail than either.  It would take a serious, exclusive game (like the sequel to Horizon Zero Dawn) that I couldn’t play on a PC to get me to consider either gaming console just yet.

Cancer, Coronavirus, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Home/Life, Mantle Cell Lymphoma (MCL)

Life Begins Anew (Again)

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Ken, Kiyomi, and Toshiro

As of today, I am legally and technically unemployed. I’m under NDA to my previous employer, and I’m receiving Disability until my next employer.

It’s kinda overwhelming. These past few years have been the wildest roller coaster of my life. I am truly going to miss the friends and co-workers I’ve made these past few years. I wish we could have done more together; I would have liked to see our project go further (with the plans we had for improving it).

Over the past few years, Victoria and I neglected our house while we focused on my health and our travels to support it. Now we need to literally “clean house” as we address each room and make everything useable once again.

With my health and job search, I need a separate office space from the one Vicky has. She has an office in our Guest Room while I have a wall of our Master Bedroom. Both were neglected and collected books, papers, dust, and cruft. Now I need to make mine clean, presentable, and professional again.

Since hiring managers, co-workers, and engineering teams assess your background as much as you, I need to clean up my office so that my background is as clean and professional as my desk and workspace is.

So these next few days, and likely next full week, will be very busy as I pick myself up, dust myself off, and try to get my life back in order again.

#cancer #career #coronavirus

Cancer, Coronavirus, Friends & Co-Workers, Home/Life

Returning to Working from Home (WFH) after Hospital Stay

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Thankful to be Working from Home (WFH) again
Screen Shot 2020-05-14 at 9.11.55 AM

Thankful to be back home, and working from home again after a week in the hospital due to bacterial pneumonia and septic shock.

Yesterday was actually really productive both personally and professionally. I got a surprising amount done for my first day back from the hospital.

Today is already off to a busy start between Docker updates, Mac updates, and validating docker containers I scripted and deployed yesterday evening.

Cancer, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Health Barometer, Mantle Cell Lymphoma (MCL), Our Shetland Sheepdogs, Social Media

Introducing a more-frequent “Health Barometer” for my cancer updates 🤒🤕🤮🤧🥺

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Walkies Together as Family

My heartfelt thanks to Linda DeYoung for her wonderful suggestion and advice this morning:

Linda DeYoung
Maybe some days you’re feeling rather ill from all the RX or effects of it, and you might not have the strength to relive it in writing, and need a break? Don’t you worry about posting then, give your mind something else to ‘eat’ — Relax and think about raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, give your mind a treat. That’s OK, don’t you worry, you write when you wish, at your pace. I’m glad you two get out for your healthy air times with the darling dogs.

Linda DeYoung
Maybe on your journal page, when you aren’t posting details, make up an ‘instant post’ — you can make something like a “Ken Report” for days you are too busy to write: kind of like a weather barometer … you can have a grading of 1 to 10, or just a two word ‘feely’ post from the gradation: i.e., “feeling stronger” “feeling rested” “feeling depleted,” … etc.

Ken Foreman
Linda: OH THAT IS A GREAT IDEA!

For people who want to check if I’m still here, if everything’s OK, if I’m at home rather than the hospital, or my general health, having a simple “instant post / health barometer” is a really GREAT idea.

It’ll help me feel less guilty for the days (or stretches of days) where I’m not feeling well enough to be too talkative, but to let family, friends, and neighbors know that things are OK.

Thank you for that great idea!! 💕👍🤗

Cancer, Friends & Co-Workers

Shreds of Sanity, Cries for Help

Ken Foreman 15:21
I try my best, A… I am not sure how many people see that, or understand that… but I genuinely try. I try to be there for others. I try to listen. I try to personally grow from my experiences and interactions with others. I try to better myself.

Cancer is already exhausting, and oncologists who don’t bother to educate, inform, or help their patients does me no service. I try to stay healthy enough to endure, to undergo the next treatment, all the while hoping and praying that whatever protocol or regimen can accomplish what earlier ones could not.

A 15:24
* nods *

Ken Foreman 15:25
I’m at the point now where any infection or fever can kill me in hours if left untreated. When I ran a 103.6’F fever, it was due to a blood infection, sepsis. The bacteria was common, found most everywhere, usually enters through the skin or mouth. Only because Vicky took me to ICU so quickly and they hospitalized me for a week while pumping me full of antibiotics am I still here right now.

We stopped my radiation and chemo because Seattle wants a “tabula rasa” (clean slate) when beginning their treatment. My last chemo was 3 weeks ago. My last radiation was a week ago. My tumors continue to grow. Several of which are paining me today in my thigh, groin, abdomen, and back. I stopped taking morphine during the day because it was interfering with my ability to stay coherent, to be present in the moment. I only take it at night to control pain so I can sleep.

Now Seattle tells us they want to postpone treatment until 12/23 or later due to staffing and holidays. Vicky and I nearly went ballistic. They got an earful from us both.

A 15:29
good grief.
if I had their number I’d be calling and giving them an earful myself.

Ken Foreman 15:31
I have months left. NIH was abundantly clear about that, and I can measurably and significantly follow it myself as I watch the edema in my left leg, then my right leg, and now my left arm. I tolerated my legs since it only impacted my walking, but edema in my hands and arms affects my mobility and ability to type, dress, brush teeth, and human basics.

A 15:32
yup.

Ken Foreman 15:34
I feel bad for P and M. I wish I could uphold my end of the bargain when they hired me. I feel terrible for my wife, Vicky. I am watching the toll it is taking on her. She does her best. Trying to work full-time and tend me, postponed her Masters by a semester because of this current ordeal, and now this shit with Seattle. I wanted to punch the wall or pull the trigger.

A 15:36
* hugs *

Ken Foreman 15:37
thanks. truly.

A 15:37
talking with you while you go through this ordeal has helped crystallize for me several notions I’ve had. I hope that when my time comes I am able to handle it the way you’ve handled yourself.

Ken Foreman 15:39
I hope when that time comes, so many decades from now, you handle it better and wiser. Mine was a lot of trial-and-error while trying to maintain my sense-of-self and my humanity.
Cancer, Friends & Co-Workers, Home/Life

WFH (“Working From Hospital”)

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Normally “WFH” means “Working From Home” when my co-workers and I post our status. Today, “WFH” means “Working From Hospital” as I begin my next round of IV chemo.

It feels like old times as I get my chest mediport accessed, sit with an IV pole next to me, and pull out my laptop for a day of work.

Working from Hospital during IV Chemo
Working from Hospital during IV Chemo
Cancer, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Johns Hopkins - Sidney Kimmel Cancer Center, Mantle Cell Lymphoma (MCL)

“Just One More Level… please?” (120 days later, cancer returns)

Just One More Level… please?

Almost two years ago, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Mantle Cell Lymphoma. 2018 was a terrible rollercoaster, and 2019 held out the hope of recovery and remission.

120 days ago, I celebrated my “birthday” with a bone marrow transplant (Allogeneic Hematopoietic Stem Cell Transplantation, aka alloHSCT) at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore.

These last two weeks have been more dramatic twists, turns, and drops in that rollercoaster.

On October 5th, 2019, we thought that I might a pulled muscle or possibly a hernia, so we went to the local Kaiser-Permanente clinic.  After an ultrasound and description of symptoms, our oncologist thought it might be lymphadenitis.  I received a week’s worth of Augmentin to treat the supposed lymphadenitis.  As the pain increased and the swelling in my left inguinal thigh enlarged, we returned to Kaiser-Permanente several times for blood draws, biopsies, and CT scans.

On October 18th, 2019, which is the 120th day since my transplant, both the biopsies and CT scans confirmed that my cancer had returned and that it is being very aggressive with its rapid growth and progression.  In Hopkin’s own results: “Multiple enlarged lymphomas are seen in the left inguinal region including a heterogeneous nodal conglomerate measuring 6.8 x 6.3 x 5.9 cm.”

We spent from 1:20 AM on Friday, October 18th at Kaiser-Permanente in Tysons Corner, VA, until 9:40 PM at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, MD.  I had a battery of blood draws, doppler ultrasounds, and CT scans performed over the course of the day.  We had multiple conversations between our oncologist at Kaiser-Permanente (Dr. Shalini Dogra) and our oncologist at Johns Hopkins (Dr. Francisco Javier Bolanos-Meade).  Both agreed that my cancer had returned, and due to my immunocompromised state and recent transplant, I could NOT undergo any further traditional chemotherapy or a second bone marrow transplant.

Our last remaining option is an experimental Mantle Cell Lymphoma T-Cell Immunotherapy trial being conducted out of the National Institutes for Health (NIH).  Kaiser-Permanente is reaching out to NIH in the hopes that I can be seen on Monday, October 21st, 2019.

I’m in considerable pain and swelling now, which is being managed by Kaiser-Permanente and my loving wife, Victoria.  I’m trying to use the least dosage necessary of morphine, oxycontin, and oxycodone over the course of each day so that I can remain awake and coherent, but not writhing in pain.  With all of the recent news and developments, our hearts are breaking and we need to narrow the scope of our vision to the immediate.  We can only think of the day ahead, not wanting to know what the next month or year may bring.

…

Both our hearts are heavy this morning. Yesterday was such a long (literally, 1 AM to 11 PM) and terrible (so much news) day. Victoria and I are slowly trying to absorb and digest everything from yesterday, and to narrow our focus to live only in the moment.

We cannot thank YOU, our family and friends, enough for your love, prayers, kindness, and support. This has been such an ordeal, our hearts are heavy, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed both in our tests of faith and our tests of endurance that we sorely need and are comforted by your presence.

Everyday Life, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Home/Life

Frosty Autumn Morning

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Frosty Autumn Morning

Woke up to 35°F outside on a frosty autumn morning. Our house is so quiet and empty without Kiyomi and Toshirō to share it with us.

Both our hearts are heavy this morning. Yesterday was such a long (literally, 1 AM to 11 PM) and terrible (so much news) day. Victoria and I are slowly trying to absorb and digest everything from yesterday, and to narrow our focus to live only in the moment.

We cannot thank YOU, our family and friends, enough for your love, prayers, kindness, and support. This has been such an ordeal, our hearts are heavy, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed both in our tests of faith and our tests of endurance that we sorely need and are comforted by your presence.

Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

Feltwork Portrait of Kiyomi & Toshiro

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Feltwork Portrait of Kiyomi & Toshiro

With heartfelt thanks to Julia Tupper, Heather Pye, Mo Sheltie, Dawn Auerbach, Mike Bargeron, Carol Bargeron, Carol Howell, Chris Drawdy, Beth Arnold, Gregg Bender, Nancy Wright Bender, Nancy Furay, Onalee Henderson, Leslie Millenson, Gina Montagna Oleykowski, and Patty Richards.

The framed, felted picture of Kiyomi & Toshirō arrived yesterday. It’s BEAUTIFUL! 💕

Kiyomi & Toshiro in Foyer
Kiyomi & Toshiro in Foyer
Cancer, Friends & Co-Workers

Requiescat In Pace, Scott.

Comcast Xfinity Home (Reston, VA)
In Memory of Scott David Anderson [pictured above, furthest right]
December 05, 1961 – August 28, 2019

I am thankful for the six years I worked at Comcast​, and especially thankful for having worked with Nicholas Kaiho​ and Scott Anderson​.

Scott was a devoted friend, a diligent co-worker, and devoutly faithful. If my own experience with Stage 4 Cancer these last two years has taught me anything, it is that life is not fair and we should not expect fairness in our lifetimes. It is better that we live well, that we try our best, and that we live our lives so that others will remember us for our humanity and not our failings.

Scott was a good man, an accomplished co-worker, and a kindred spirit in this journey. Victoria​ and I rejoice for having known Scott and Mitzie​, and our hearts break for his passing. He will be sorely missed.

Requiescat In Pace, Scott.

Scott David Anderson, 57, of Des Moines, Iowa, lost his battle to cancer at the comfort of his own home surrounded by his loving family on August 28, 2019.

Scott is survived by his wife, Mitzie, of 35 years, daughters Erika (Anderson) Bohon and Amanda Anderson, grandchild Caroline Bohon, brother Tom Anderson, sisters Janet (Anderson) Jansen and Carol (Anderson) Crum, and many loving nieces, nephews and extended family.  Scott was a very devoted and loving husband, father, grandfather, and friend to everyone.

Scott served in the United States Air Force from July 1980 through March 1988.  He worked as a Computer Engineer for Sonatype for the past two years. 

Scott loved sports, especially baseball and college football.  His favorite teams were the Washington Nationals and the Iowa Hawkeyes.  He enjoyed spending his free time watching sports on TV and also enjoyed movies, biking, gardening, and reading.

He was a leader at his church, Emmanuel Baptist in Manassas, Virginia where he led the Awana Ministry and was involved in children’s ministry for 25 years.

He was preceded in death by his parents, Raymond and Madelyn, his brother, Douglas Anderson, and his niece Cindy Anderson.

Visitations will be held on Monday, September 9th, 2019, 10:30am-12:00pm at Emmanuel Baptist Church, 8006 Centreville Rd, Manassas, VA 20111.  A Celebration of Life Service will follow from 12:00 to 1:00pm officiated by Pastor Tim Ma.  Scott will be laid to rest at the Quantico National Cemetery in Triangle, Virginia.  The family has respectfully asked only immediate family at burial site.