Category Archives: Family

Brain Droppings, Friends & Co-Workers

Onwards, Ever Onwards, Iceberg Be Damned

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Coping with Frustration, Depression, and Self-Loathing

If I am perceived as negative, it is because I care.

What you perceive as negativity is the result of my thorough analysis, rational self-discourse and research, and frustration that I have the awareness and intellect to see something coming but not the ability to correct or resolve it within my ability to change it.

If I were truly negative, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t give a shit about your opinion, your problems, your issues, your pain, your suffering, or concern myself with your well-being.

If I am negative, it is because I care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t do anything, and I would willingly watch as people walked into their own self-harm or self-issues. I am passionate because I DO care. I am negative because we keep making the same mistakes, learning from none of them, and having a near-infinite churn of the same self-harming mistakes.

It hurts me.

It pains me.

I am just now learning what took a lifetime for Benjamin Balogh and Brad Lafferty to understand and try to communicate to both me and others in their lives. Having the intellect and foresight to see a disaster coming but not the ability to self-correct or avoid it results in negativity, depression, self-loathing, or the loathing of others.

I don’t want to loathe others for being too friggin’ stupid to avoid driving their ship into an effing iceberg. At least let me get off the ship before you crash it with me in it?

Cancer, Everyday Life, Family, Health, Social Commentary/Observation

On Life, Struggles, and Faith

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On Faith: Belief in Christ

On Faith: Finding Christ

On Faith: Prayers and Petitions

I’ve always been spiritual, and arguably, faithful.

Raised as Hungarian Reformed Protestant, Lutheran (ELCA), and later converted to Catholicism, I’ve been exposed to Christianity throughout my life.

I have never been Evangelical or Charismatic. I’d make for an extremely poor and unenthusiastic Missionary.

Over the decades, I’ve attended Jewish services in Synagogues, Sunday Services with Devout Pentecostals, Sundays with the Southern Baptist Conference, drum circles with modern pagans, and weekends with “Charismatic Catholics”.

While I appreciate the devotion of others, I honestly believe that it is our actions that define us as a Christians. Try as I might, I have severe difficulty understanding when some call themselves “Christian” and yet hate half our nation because they’re Democrat, or they’re Republican, or they’re immigrants, or they’re homeless, or they’re… whatever… “they’re not you.”

I paid attention during Matthew 25:34-37 where Jesus spoke about the poor, the homeless, the imprisoned, the sick. I must wonder if many of my fellow Christians conveniently forgot that part. For all our Nativity scenes, we forget that Christ himself was a refugee, an immigrant, and without a home at his birth.

My faith keeps me and sustains me through my life. I lost family and friends. I served in the military. I had a decent career between corporations and government contracting. I survived cancer, chemo, radiation, and being immunocompromised. I don’t shout it from the rooftops, but I quietly carry it in my heart as I hope to serve others by word and deed rather than charismatic and performative evangelism.

And so it goes. As I wait for the latest word and chapter in my life, I have faith. It sustains me. It is a quiet candle burning in my heart and shared together with my family.

Family

Dearest Victoria, on our Anniversary…

Victoria and Ken on our 23rd Anniversary (16-Sep-2023)

Victoria,

Thank you and God bless you for 23 wonderful years together.

I cannot thank you enough for your presence, comfort, compassion, patience, endurance, and determination in our marriage together. Together, we’ve been though nearly every Happiness and Hurt, every Joy and Sorrow, and we’ve been there by each other’s side through it all.

I thank God for you and for our family we’ve raised together.

with love,
forever yours,

Ken

Family

23 Years Ago Today…

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Victoria and Ken

❝ I’ve been searching
I’ve been searching for so long
Now I’m chasing the shadows away
I’ve been trying
Yes, I tried to find my way
No more crying in the make-or-break decade.

There were times when I was down
There were times I felt so low
My whole life just seemed to be
A senseless quest for energy
But I carry your flame
All through my life, I’m a believer.

Peace deep in our hearts
All things must pass
But we’ll be together again.

I’ve been walking
I’ve been walking in the rain
When the angel of my intuition
Whispered, “Hello”
Well, I was quite surprised
To face that kind of incarnation.

Love comes always unexpected
Love strikes blind and undirected
Love is the answer
Love is all we need, my friend
Now you came and changed the weather
Now I want to live forever.

I carry your flame
All through my life, I’m your believer
Peace deep in our hearts
All things must pass
But we’ll be together again.

I carry your flame
All through my life, I’m your believer
Peace deep in our hearts
All things must pass
But we’ll be together again. ❞

—Alphaville, Flame (1997)

Family

23 Years Later — Saturday, September 16th, 2000

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Our Wedding Day – Saturday, September 16tj 2000

23 YEARS LATER
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH, 2000

❝ WHAT is the value of a single mortal’s life? ❞

[ Give an answer, any answer, your answer is no more or less valid that any other answer that someone else would give. ]

❝ I am sure that thou dost believes that. ❞
❝ Very well. I am satisfied. ❞
— Withers, Baldur’s Gate III (2023)

My answer changes yearly. Sometime, my answer changes daily or even hourly. Ultimately, I think my personal value of a human life is measured by how well we live our lives and the impression we leave on others.

I am grateful for having met Victoria Foreman and for her loving presence in my life. Together we have learned from each other, grown with each other, and we still do.

Thank you for twenty-three wonderful years.

Family, Our Shetland Sheepdogs, Slice-of-Life

A Most Glorious “Walkies”

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Ken, Toshiro, and Sachiko during our morning walkies.

Sachiko talking to Ken as Toshiro listens

Sachiko and Toshiro as the leaves begin to fall after a mild summer and start of autumn

Sachiko and Toshiro as the leaves begin to fall after a mild summer and start of autumn

I was ecstatic to see 57.5°F on the outdoor thermometer this morning as we left before sunrise on our morning walkies.

As we walked along the woods of Sugarland Run, both Toshirō and Sachiko stopped abruptly and stared intently at the edge of the woods. It was so sudden and so intent that it scared me a little, so I stopped to see what they were staring at.

There was a majestic red fox standing underneath the trees just watching us. He was probably only four or five feet away from us, but showed no fear whatsoever of our two Shelties. He just stood, and then sat, and he watched us.

It made my heart leap in my chest. I’ve never seen so majestic or so sedate a red fox. I wish I could have stayed in that one moment forever.

Sachiko seemed completely smitten with the red fox. Toshiro largely ignored him, just watching.

Leaving for our walks before sunrise or just after sunset really is the best time to watch the wildlife around Loudoun County, Virginia. We’ve been able to see foxes, raccoons, skunks, deer, coyote, and bats during our daily walks.

I seriously need to clip a GoPro to my chest and just let it continuously record our walks, taking the best clips or pictures from each walk? No one would ever believe the red fox we saw today, but it brought tears to my eyes to see it.
Cancer, Health, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

Thoughts on my Health and the Year 2023

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Morning Walkies with Toshiro and Sachiko

Morning Walkies with Toshiro and Sachiko

Morning Walkies with Toshiro and Sachiko

After a week-long stay at the hospital with a few days of septic delirium, a week of IV antibiotics, and a month of Cipro, this is a loud-and-pronounced call that I need to focus on my health and getting control over my leg lymphedema as best I can.

Despite my best efforts for walking 60-90mi each month with the pups, doing frequent showers and moisturizing, I still seem to be getting cellulitis and sepsis several times each year. My last echocardiogram shows that it’s taking a toll on my heart health as I repeatedly get pumped full of IV fluids and antibiotics.

So, my goal now is to be thorough and persistent with my physical therapy at Kaiser and Virginia Hospital Center, to do more frequent/longer walks and cycling, and to hopefully get my leg into a healthier long-term state.

Or, at the very least, to be able to enjoy long walks, hikes, and cycling again?

Today was an exhaustive visit, but one of the best visits I’ve had with Kaiser about my short-term health, long-term health, and long-term treatment:

  • Yes, I do have a slightly enlarged heart and decreased ejection fraction, but it’s due to pseudomonas and sepsis as a blood infection. Seeing increased heart size and changes to ejection fraction are common. They’re scheduling me for a transesophageal echocardiogram in 2-3 weeks to verify my recovery once the Cipro is over. They’ll also schedule me for a full panel of bloodwork to verify my bloodwork, recovery, and level of immunity/immunocompromised.
  • Yes, I do have Stage 3 Lymphedema of my left leg. It’s pronounced. They want to photograph it monthly, document it, and do more aggressive physical therapy to see if we can’t see some recovery, improvement in mobility, decreased neuropathy. I’m being referred to Virginia Hospital Center (VHC) for my lymphedema care.
  • They’re documenting that I have a severe reaction to a flea bite, not uncommon for my lymphoma, lymphedema, decreased immune response. Pseudomonas itself was likely acquired during frequent clinical visits. MRSA and Pseudomonas are concerns given my health and history.
  • They recommended a Bifenthrin Insecticide fogger for front yard and back to reduce mosquitoes and insects, fog yard every 2-3 weeks. Safe for both me and our dogs. They recommended spraying my pants and shirts with Permethrin and/or DEET, to wear long pants and shirts for all walks outdoor exposure due to severe reaction to flea bite.
Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs, Slice-of-Life

The Changing Face of Family, Of Loss, and Recent News…

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Victoria, Sachiko, Kiyomi, Toshiro (last days together)

Valentines Day marked our last days with AKC Jade Mist Kiyomi (“Kiyomi”).  She passed just a week or so later.  For details on what happened, feel free to read Together as Family (Valentine’s Day 2023) and Breaking Hearts. It still hurts me too much to repeat it or discuss it just yet.

AKC JADE MIST KIYOMI (“Kiyomi”) was born May 5th, 2009, to Carol Howell and Heidi Jacobsen of Jade Mist Shetland Sheepdogs in Davidsonville, MD.  Kiyomi died on February 24th, 2023, at 9:15 AM, held and comforted by Victoria and Ken.

Vicky and I planned so much to do this Lent as both our personal goals and self-improvement.  Both of us had our plans blown apart by the loss of Kiyomi just shy of her 14th birthday.  Kiyomi would have celebrated her 14th birthday this May on May fifth.  We always called her our “Cinco de Mayo” dog.  She truly was like a daughter to us, and we miss her dearly.

In other news, I thought about letting my domain expire and giving up on both this server and website.  I’m glad that I didn’t, but I was frustrated and depressed.  I really had no interest in maintaining it or updating it.  Between the blog and the wiki, it seems to do fairly well, with as many as 1200-1300 visitors each month.   As our lives pick up again, carry on, and we have more news/events/tech to share, I’ll start posting more content again.

Working as a DevOps Engineer as my company grows and our team expands, staying active with my Amateur Radio license (K3KBF), reading, and gaming on the Steam Deck have taken most of my time and interest these last few months when not enjoying time together with family.  I’ll have more news about Amateur Radio, the Steam Deck, SteamOS, the GPD Win 4 as a likely successor to the first-generation Valve Steam Deck, and other tech in coming posts.

This is basically just a “hey there, I’m still here, still alive” post.  Hopefully, I’ll post something more substantive soon.

I’m still here… and, hopefully, you are too?

Here’s a quick “photo dump” of our recent events and news:

 

 

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

Together as Family (Valentine’s Day 2023) and Breaking Hearts

Valentine’s Day 2023 with Sachiko, Kiyomi, and Toshiro

Valentine’s Day 2023 together as Family (Victoria, Ken, Kiyomi, Toshiro, and Sachiko)

Our oldest Sheltie (Kiyomi) suffered a severe seizure (unresponsive for several hours afterwards, vet tells us likely due to brain tumor/damage) last week.  She’s still with us, but she’s on Prednisone, Gabapentin, Antibiotics, and Anti-Seizure meds.  At 14yo, we know our time with her is nearly at an end.  We’re trying to make the most of our time together.  It’s amazing how quickly time with our beloved pets goes by?

We were able to take better pictures of our Shelties together and together as a family this evening.

With love from our little family to yours… Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

Our Hearts Are Breaking…

A Temporary Reprieve and Last Time Together as Family.

Kiyomi and Toshiro (2020)

Since I don’t feel like re-typing or retelling the events of the past week, this is what I told my manager and co-workers:

You know that Vicky and I weren’t able to have children, despite trying for years and then getting medical assistance (IUI/IVF).  I finally convinced Vicky into our getting dogs about 14 years ago.  We got Kiyomi the same month that Vicky’s mom died, and she quickly warmed up to becoming a “mom” for Kiyomi.  Long story short, Kiyomi’s been like a daughter to us.

While working on my notification script on Wednesday morning, Kiyomi was asleep on my food and began spasming.  At nearly 14yo, I thought she just woke up and was trying to right herself.  She immediately urinated, pooped, vomited, and began having violent spasms.  It was a seizure.  She bit my leg and scratched me as I tried to pick her up.  When I swaddled her in a blanket and tried to constrain her seizure, she let loose this horrible scream.  I’ve never heard a dog scream before, but it made my skin crawl and my heart ache.  There was nothing I could do for her.  It lasted for a solid 20 minutes while I was trying to call Vicky and to get Kiyomi over to the vet.

Once at the vet, Kiyomi was unresponsive.  The vet told us that 20-minute seizures usually result in brain damage or death.  Vicky and I had to make the terrible decision.  We signed the paperwork and as the vet was preparing the injection to put Kiyomi to sleep, Kiyomi raised her head and looked at Vicky.  Vicky asked for a moment, put Kiyomi on the floor, she stumbled and staggered, but walked around and followed Vicky as she called or walked around the room.

So, we asked for more time, but the vet said that Kiyomi might only have days or maybe weeks, but that she won’t be the same after such a seizure.  He told us to take care of her, enjoy our time, but prepare ourselves.  He sent us home with steroids (Prednisone), anti-seizure medications, and Diazepam injections (in the event she has another seizure).  He warned us that she may very likely have a second severe seizure, and told us to be thankful but to enjoy our last time together

Sorry for the “drop everything and run”, but it was a horrific experience.  When people have children, pets take on a lesser meaning.  Since Vicky and I don’t, and Kiyomi was our first dog together when we couldn’t have children, she’s been like a daughter to us.  Between the shrieking seizure and the experience, …well, it was rough.  Going to be a few days before I get “dog screams” out of my head.

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

To Be Real — What It Means To Be Loved

Victoria and Kiyomi

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ’You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

― Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

Family, Slice-of-Life

Owning Your Actions, Owning Your Past

Who you were, who you are, who you become (the vicious cycle)

Either you own your actions… or you don’t.

Either the past matters… or it doesn’t.

If your thoughts, words, and actions mean anything… anything at all… then they don’t become meaningless just because they happened yesterday rather than today. You own them. They are you.

If you believe the past is the past, then I can punch you in the face, and when you get appropriately mad, I can shrug and ask you “what does it matter? that was all in the past!”

At 50yo, I’m still trying to run away from my past. I’m not so sure it’s working. I woke up having the same nightmare that I had as a teenager.

At some point, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, declare your values, and push on. No one ever said breaking the cycle was easy.

As an Aside, Family, Friends & Co-Workers, Social Commentary/Observation

Keep Trying, or Don’t, but All Actions (including Inaction) have Consequences

Ursula K. Le Guin in her “elder years” (still lively, vibrant, intellectually sharp)

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

…

I knew that several of our family and friends were heading to divorce a year or few before they knew themselves. I think a failing relationship is obvious to anyone, but we ignore the signs or fool ourselves into thinking “everything is fine, they will always be there for me.”

Disney lied. Disney sold several generations that love is easily won, and once won, the couple lives happily ever after. The End.

“Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong.”

Relationships take time and effort to build.

Relationships must be maintained for you to trust, respect, and love one another.

“Happily ever after” only happens if you both work at it to make it happen, otherwise it’s your happiness, his, or neither’s happiness.

Any time I hear about another’s divorce, especially after decades of marriage, I always feel terrible. When one faults the other, I know better, it took two people to create a relationship, and it takes the failure of two people to dissolve one.

Ursula K. Le Guin was right. The truth about love is as plain as the nose on your face. Love is not a static object you attain and you possess for the rest of your life. Love is an effort that you made yesterday, you make again today, and you’ll make again tomorrow.

I don’t know about your relationship, but I’ll be honest about mine. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes Vicky and I are intensely in love and always there for each other. Sometimes Vicky and I are self-absorbed in whatever it is we’re doing and we take the other for granted. We just sort of assume that everything is alright and everything will still be alright in the morning.

When you stop caring for each other, and not some mythical love-caring but caring in the most basic sense of the word, you stop loving each other and your relationship begins that slow (or fast) decline into dissolution.

Don’t stop caring.

Don’t stop communicating.

Even if it hurts. (“That’s called effort, hon. Trying hurts.”)

And if you’re bitching about your spouse on Facebook where you think they don’t read it (which several of my friends do), ask yourself is that love? Would it be cool if your spouse did the same? So if you do and they do, does that make it acceptable? Why the hell do you bother staying together if you badmouth each other?

So, keep trying… or don’t, but likewise don’t be surprised when your relationships fall apart, and you find yourself alone.

…

“Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone,
it has to be made, like bread;
remade all the time, made new.”

― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

Home/Life, Social Commentary/Observation

Maybe I Should Have Read the User Guide First

What is Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) and how does it work?

I really should have read the User Guide BEFORE taking a photo walk today.

Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) is your friend and a necessity for improved photography.

Dual Pixel Autofocus: What is it and what cameras have it? – Improve Photography

On these new Canon CMOS imaging sensors, each pixel has two photo diodes which can operate separately or together. Each diode has a separate lens over it.

When light goes through those lenses and hits the diodes, the processor analyzes each diode’s signal for focus and, once focus is achieved, the signals are then combined to record the image.

Each pixel on the sensor, then, has a dual role.

That dual role is what makes DPAF sensors different.

In other kinds of imaging sensors, some of the pixels are used for focus and the rest record the image, but none does both.
In Canon imaging sensors, 80% of the pixels (horizontally and vertically) play that dual role.

The sensor on the EOS 5D Mark IV, for instance, is 6720 x 4480 pixels. At 80% coverage (5376 x 3584) more than 19 million pixels have DPAF.

By comparison, the Sony a7R iii sensor is 7952 x 5304 pixels and has 399 phase detection auto focus points.

While mirrorless cameras have been using phase detection auto focus in imaging sensors for some time, DSLRs typically use a separate phase detection auto focus sensor for focusing while the mirror is down and the viewfinder in use, and switch to contrast detection auto focus on the actual imaging sensor when the mirror is up and you’re using Live View or recording a video.

Family, Home/Life, Our Shetland Sheepdogs

“Re-learning” the Fundamentals of Photography

DAY ONE — A RETURN TO FUNDAMENTALS

Practicing with the new Canon… which isn’t easy when Sachiko was hyper and desperately wanted to run and play.

I’m trying to ween myself off AUTO and AE, return to the basics of Matrix vs Spot, practice and fine-tune my Focus, Shutter Speed, and Exposure.

I’ll need to take more “photo walks” at various times of day under different lighting conditions to practice how to quickly assess and set the camera. AUTO and AE are nice, but I know I can do far more and far better with practice.

Hopefully, they’ll only get better, but I seriously need to “read the book” and practice photography a LOT more.

Years of smartphone photography have given me a few bad habits I need to break. You can do so much more with a “real” camera, but it takes investing a little more time and talent than having the smartphone quickly do it for you.

Much like basic math or wayfinding. Calculators and GPS have rotted my ability to do arithmetic quickly or orienteering using a map and compass. 😆

POST SCRIPT:

What is Dual Pixel Auto Focus (DPAF) and how does it work?
Everyday Life, Family, Holidays

Being Social and Having a Life while Immunocompromised?

CLEANING HOUSE while Sachiko watches and listens

Victoria and I are talking about getting out more, socializing more, and hosting family/friends again. In the coming weeks, we’re hoping to travel (day trips), visit close friends, and host family at our house for Thanksgiving.

So, the questions become how to take reasonable precautions, how to balance health vs acceptable risks, and how to have a life again while realizing if I do get sick, it will mean a week in the hospital during Christmas and New Year’s.

To be completely honest, I’m a little burnt out on this whole repeated and lengthy stay in the hospital each year. If I can manage to make it through the holidays and into the new year without a hospital stay, it will be the FIRST in over four years.

So — how to be careful, take precautions, acceptable risk, have a life, but realize it’s going to be rough and unpleasant if I do get sick.