Yesterday was a bitter pill, and I’m still trying to digest it. It began with what I thought was a rhetorical question; something I thought I already knew the answer to, but it turns out I was gravely mistaken.
I’ve been idling and wallowing for at least a month now. There’s so much going on both in the world-at-large, my own personal world, and my health. I’m not done “growing up yet”, and there’s still so much I need to learn and need to atone for. It took a direct question and an intense conversation with a good friend to slap me awake and open my eyes to it.
There are a lot of “broken systems” and “broken people” in the world. I think it’s our job in life to address and better what we can. I thought and asked if that process ever ends, and learned that it never does. I asked if that was the definition of damnation: the perpetual effort to address previous mistakes and failures (not only your own but also those who came before you), and perhaps it might be perceived by some as such, but I no longer think it is. Stagnation is death. The purpose of life is to continually improve, continually evolve, and to make things better not just for yourself but those around you, those you touch.
I wanted to say that I am sorry and that I know that I am broken, and that I remain broken. I am trying to better myself, to address my brokenness, and to make my life better. I know that I cannot wave a magic wand and do right by everyone. I need to “shut up and listen” first so I can understand how others hurt before I can make a change in myself or help them.
And so today is another day. Let us begin.