No miracles yet, but not for lack of praying.
Fr. Patrick Besel is the local Roman Catholic priest assigned to Johns Hopkins. While he’s a member of the Archdiocese of Baltimore, he’s not affiliated with any Church or Order, but assigned directly to Johns Hopkins at their request. Conversations with him have always been very interesting, and always heart-warming.
Fr. Besel and I were talking about the “Rise of the Nones” last week. For the United States supposedly being a Christian nation, far less than half attend Christian services with any regularity. It’s become increasingly acceptable to self-identify as Agnostic or Atheist when we’re in the best of health and consider ourselves to be modern, rational people.
It’s odd then, that in times of our greatest fear, our greatest struggles, or our fear of own mortality that we still seek out people of faith. Fr. Besel tells me that even people who identify as Agnostic or Atheist still ask to speak with him or still ask that he sit and pray with them when faced with a life-threatening procedure or the risk of their own mortality.
I asked him how he could adapt and feel in the face of visiting so many cancer patients, performing so many Anointing of the Sick, Blessings, and conversations. He didn’t say much, but shrugged and gave me a beatific smile. He’s been a chaplain for a long time at a number of hospitals. When I tried looking him up in the Johns Hopkins Pastoral Care Directory, I couldn’t find an entry for him or his picture. I did find his predecessor. My heart of hearts tells me that chaplaincy in a cancer treatment center probably has a high burnout rate.
It’s been 13 days since my Bone Marrow Transplant. My bloodwork and lab results continue to nadir, requiring me to receive two units of Platelets the day before. I’ll probably need another unit or two tomorrow as well given my current trajectory.
Two close family friends have asked me to read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and practice visualization therapy. It’s been a frustrating endeavour. The logical and rational part of my mind screams “I can visualize rainbows shooting out of my ass, but that won’t make it true.” It does make sense however that the subconscious mind and body listens to our mental well-being and outlook. If I am of good-spirits, it makes sense that I will be healthier and better-equipped to deal with knocks to my health than being depressive.
And so it goes… I’m still here. I still persist. I pray that I can look back on these cancer entries with a beatific grin and the knowledge that “this too has passed.”